Sigh, its been a fast yet long 6 months or more but i guess i'll take this opportunity to let it all out. Alice comes back from her one of the yr 12 formals back in year 2006 [gosh i feel like an ancient old hag saying that!] nyways she tells me about this guy that met whom knew another friend. Im like thinking oooo ok! most probably i will end up meeting them like usual! Sounds cool! nyways eventually i talked to him on msn. At first he seemed VERY VERY talkative and im like thinking man alice is right, he is one social going guy, a tad 2 talkative though dont u think?

nyways from time to time i would wonder why the hell this guy talks so much! He's so fucking annoying! Although i never used that piece of advice alice gave me "just say your in no mood for chit chat!" [=P i duno if u still remember that one] nyways eventually sometime in February i met him in real life. The first thing that popped into mind within the first micro-second the moment i saw him was that AH NO! i will NEVER date this guy! [yes that memory is THAT strong] although what was funny was that SOME1!!! kept on putting out the light =P

moving right along, eventually i found out he liked me. During those initial stages i was happy that i found out some1 liked me but at the same time i wasn't at all that pleased because i wasn't interested. But as time moved on, i began to see another side of him. I slowly became interested and our msn convos just got longer and longer and longer. To the point none of us would shut up and i guess well to me an addiction grew for me 2 talk to him.

on Anzac day [yes out of all the days, thats HOW i remember all this!!!] i confessed. Yes i did want to go out with him but no matter what i forced myself to say no. no matter how much it hurt or how tempting it was to say yes, i still said no and for a few months i stuck to it. I had promised myself i would stay single this year and even if i did say yes to him i wouldn't feel right because i would feel too guilty and i would too weird.

Later down the track, i couldn't make up my mind. Yes? No? Yes? No? it drove me insane. i thought about it A LOT and i mean A LOT even on the train, walking, sleeping, etc etc etc my mind would go crazy about that. I wanted to but what about my guilt? what about my morals? and knowing me i am very supersticious =P

nyhow as time past, my affection for him grew and grew and to the point if i wasn't with him or talking to him or wateva i would get bored i would feel down i would feel incomplete. as sorry as i am to say, even talking to my friends just didn't make me feel satisfied. i wasn't 110% happy unless i was talking or hanging out with him.

But also as time flew by, our conversations started to die. We ran out of topics to talk about and even if we did have a topic it was only to keep the conversation going. it was only so we wouldn't be sitting there either infront of the screen or over the phone or in real life looking/feeling uncomfortable or simply, bored shitless. That started to act as a put off for me. That changed my mind a lot about him. Whats the point of going out with some1 if your friendship foundation is so poor? whats the point if it wont last ahh more than a few months or so? My feelings for him had not changed but my gut feeeling felt it would not be good. That was how it was for quite a while.

Now on monday we met up at UTS. Once again our convos were just as bad but meeting was good because i hadn't seen him in a while la. What did i achieve out of that meet up? well i found the god darn microwave!!! lol [yes that one microwave made me so happy, i've always been wondering where it was!] nyways to me, i thought things were fine then. On tues i went off at him. Saying how he was a crap conversationist, how he had pay attentioned to all his beloved fobs but no1 else and how i was so over him and his stupid habbits and how much i hated him. i only meant 3 of those things i said.

After that we didn't talk for a while. Eventually we talked online. i felt something was wrong. i found out he only likes me as just as a really good friend. i felt backstabbed. i hated him. i hated myself. i hated liking some1. i just wanted to crouch down and cry my heart out. i felt shocked. i really didn't want to let go. i felt hurt.

he wouldn't give it a 2nd thought as he had already made his decision. the reasons for his action seemed reasonable to me. so fair enough. It was because of poor communication that mainly caused this. Thats when it occurred to me that there was no point in continuing. It was true. So what now? i still felt hurt but at the same time as i have said many times i believe that there is always a reason for everything. If you set that person free and no matter how free you let it be, if he or she was yours they would come back.

Who knows maybe the reason was for us to build a better friendship and perhaps then getting back or maybe i could find someone else. Although i wouldn't surprised if we did or didn't liked each other again. But what confuses me is that sometimes i had felt that he might of been the one but i just never thought it would be realistic enough. Who knows. If it was meant to be i am sure fate, time, love, will find its way. Like that song by Christine Glass in Heart of Greed says, "my love will get you home, if you follow the wrong star my love will get you home" ^^ soooooo maybe kekeke i might of followed the wrong star [i know it sounds VERY VERY LAME!!!! but to me it makes sense! =P] who knows la! =)

So at this current moment, a guy who i met less than 1 yr ago, by the name of Kevibear is a now a VERY! good friend of mine! =D I dont reckon i have lost anything. Rather i reckon i have gotten one step closer to finding the right person and i have gained a better friend! [at least for now]

But just a note, if anything does change dont hide it away or automatically block that mind out. i hope he can just confront it but of course dont jump to conclusions. Ponder on it for a while before any decision is made. And hopefully not only do i hope we can talk just as much as just like how it was before any of this had happened but i hope he isn't one of those sad losers who like BARELY ever starts a fucking msn convo or a call or a sms or wateva! and then they say awww but i do talk and start convos but im just busy. THAT excuse just doesn't work on any of us girls. Its just an excuse to get away. Its a fucking loser's excuse. Its nothing but a message to us that any1 who uses that excuse only wants to put the past away from them and hope never to confront it again. Now that is just a cowardly loser. I hope you aren't want because i dont want a cowardly loser like friend. and like a friend of mine has says, dont be stingy/tight and sms lol

Nyhow, i hope i can get over this asap. but i'll admit i think for a while i will be feeling out of place because i'm so used to calling or pestering him all the time. But i still have a few quesitons floating in my mind, if i had gone out with him, i wonder if the ending would of been the same as this? And if in this world, if you were able to choose your emotions just the way you want, i wonder which he would of chosen; to stay as good friends or to start a r/ship. *wonders*

However i admit, i am kind of glad this is some what kind of over. I feel some what lighter but i do feel lost and i know that i will miss some of the stuff that went on [duno about you though =/]. I know i have my friends who have been with me for ages and have putten up with me a lot of the times [XD! you know who u guys are! i'll make up for it when i can! Thanks guys! =P] but i want someone or something that that can help guide me on where to go now. Its what i feel can help me through the most. I dont know where or who it would be but i have a feeling its only just around the corner and i think i know where it may be [i hope ^^]

well now that i have let it allllll out i feel a whole lot better. I still feel down and some what hurt and sad but its better. =) once again, a side note to my beloved friends, you guys rock! and of couse with the exception of C.N, Boys = Poo !!! XD

Your good friend,

Shan^2

ps.
give it a buzz when you wanna go to capitol =P [im srs!! =D, it can make up for that monday]